Getting pregnant for the second time was easy . . . almost too easy. I was happy and pleased, but not elated, primarily because I knew from experience about the morning sickness and other challenges I’d soon be facing.
I noticed some “spotting” at nine weeks. This evoked a concerned call to my midwife, who went through all of the possible circumstances that could cause such a thing, all of which seemed benign enough. It really did not seem possible that anything could be wrong. But after two days, I really started to worry. I stayed home that evening, put on some music, and did some correspondence. The Lord used one of the songs to speak to me and pour out His love upon me. My spirit was refreshed and I really felt that everything would be okay.
At 5:00 the next morning, I found out things were not okay. The pregnancy was ending. My husband stayed home and I faced the next few hours with supernatural bravery. Another call to the midwife informed me as to what to expect, and I went through the motions, knowing God’s presence with me.
Calls of sympathy flowed in, followed by a day of complete rest. For the next several days, calls continued to flow in from friends, many of whom had gone through the same experience at least once. Some gave advice. I appreciated their incredible love for me, so I listened but, like Job, I was soon confused by contradicting data and speculation. Did I do something wrong? Was it a hormone imbalance? A spiritual attack? Was there anything I could do differently next time? My body, mind, and spirit were in turmoil and the only way to stop it was to return to worship Jesus.
The next two months the Holy Spirit reinforced me, making me able to stand up to greater difficulties than I ever had before. In the beginning I did not even want to think about babies, but after a few weeks I was ministering to pregnant friends and helping in any way I possibly could. In the early weeks I had to battle intense jealousy, fear, and doubt. But I faced the grief head-on and took each sin to the Lord for cleansing.
I call this reinforcing, “walking in integrity.” Like a ship with a hull that is strong and can stand up to mighty waves and storms, I am held together by the faith and balance God has worked in my life. The storm I’m riding through is not enough to break me down and drive me into hopelessness. This is the point where, although it sounds crazy, I am beginning to thank Him for this experience. I know all mothers go through hard times, most much tougher than what I faced. These difficulties and pressures are all part of motherhood. I thank God for teaching them to me, sooner rather than later.
That is why I find myself reaching out with compassion to other mothers.
Grief still pokes through the surface at unexpected times. It’s easy to be angry with myself for allowing the sadness to continue, to be embarrassed by my tears. But when I realize that this is what motherhood is all about, and how intertwined my body, mind, and spirit are in this journey, I can accept myself along with the tears, without shame. I have to live at peace with myself, content with all the blessings the Lord has given me. This desire that comes from the center of me, and the life I hope to find there soon, is all from Him.
I stand on His word, hoping He’ll calm the storms, but knowing that my ship is strong enough to sail through.
Orlando, Florida, USA