Above Rubies Daily Encouragement Blogs
Through the weekly and daily devotionals you can be constantly encouraged in your great role of parenting, the highest career in the nation. You can also stay updated on what's happening with the Above Rubies ministry.
THE TIDE ALWAYS COMES IN AGAIN
Dear ladies, the following is a very powerful article about marriage. I published it 38 years ago in Above Rubies, but the message is as powerful as ever. Please take time to read it and share with others, especially those who feel the tide has gone out on their marriage.LOOK FOR THE NEW WAVE
Have you ever met an elderly married couple who look so alike they could be brother and sister. They "fit" together so closely that they are like hand and glove. Even their cat seems to match! Were they always like this we wonder? They smile a little secret smile as they look back over the years of their togetherness. We can be sure that not all was milk and honey.
I remember, as a child, staying for a time with a very special aunt. I recall her rising early day after day in the ice blackness of the winter mornings to get uncle off to work. I remember uncle as cross and irritable, unwell, and suffering with severe and continual backpain. My many cousins were young, demanding and tireless, my aunt tired and overworked. Could this be a picture of a successful marriage? I am happy to say it wasn’t always like that! The pressure years gave up to the still active and fulfilled middle-age years, grandparenting, travel, singing together in the choir, working together in service groups, and a closeness in their relationship that spoke of sharing together in good times and in difficult seasons. Love had passed the test!
Most married couples can recall a time, or times, of severe pressure in their marriage when it appeared that the rosy dreams of pre-marriage, thrilling romance, even hopeful plans for the future had vanished like a bubble when it bursts.
My husband, Trevor, and I lived 13 years in India where we learned a great deal by being exposed to a different culture. In India, even today, many young people meet their future spouse only once or twice, if at all, before marriage. To many of us the thought is unthinkable! However, one of our sons, then 14, and having been bought up in India, asked if we planned to arrange his marriage. or did we believe in love-match—at least that proved our upbringing does direct the way we think!
What is very interesting about arranged marriages is that there is no great expectation from most couples of immediate romance or immediate passionate love. One young man in Poona told me it would be shameful for him to be “in love” before marriage. The marriage will, of course, be consummated after the wedding ceremony as this is a necessary requirement. The joyful union of hearts and minds may come later. The bonus for such couples is that their immediate expectations on each other are not impossibly idealistic and romantic.
The new husband may say, “If she gives me my conjugal rights, makes sure my meals and clothes are ready, and is able to help the home financially, that, for now, is enough.” The wife may say, “If he is kind to me and provides for me, that, for now, is enough.” In that atmosphere it is possible that deep, abiding love may blossom. In fact, a deeply committed relationship, based on life’s realities, does very often develop.
In our western culture, still modified considerably by the concepts of handsome prince, beautiful princess, white horse, castle, and living happily ever after--the romantic expectations as couples enter marriage is very high.
If we are honest, most of us women, though observing how hard our parents worked over the years, did not realize we would be under the same kinds of pressures. We watched our mothers labor in the house but apart from generous bursts of helpfulness born out of teenage impulsiveness, we had never borne for any length of time, the responsibility of house and home.
Most unmarried young men in Australia are not expected to be responsible for the garden, the lawn, maintenance of house, the home, the payment of the mortgage or to give regular help in the home. Everything just seems to “happen.” With no pain to the young man food is on the plate, the home is clean and tidy, the lawns and gardens neat, clothes ironed and spotless. Good old mum and dad!
Now the new bride and groom, as they enter marriage in the rosy glow of love, (which I’m 100% in favor of), find themselves facing a brand new and often confusing array of decisions, responsibilities, and unending work. Into this situation comes a child, loved and longed for no doubt, but adding more responsibility, sleepless nights, increased financial pressure, and a demand for selflessness we have never faced before.
Through all this the husband is expected to be strong, manly, considerate, a marvelous provider, passionate lover, and home handyman--in fact, all the men of all the love-songs rolled into one. The wife is expected to be cool, calm, glamorous, amorous, world-class chef, laundress, go out to work, and look like Sophia Loren!
Amazingly, many of us cope magnificently, many of us cope adequately, but in Australia, around 40 out of every 100 marriages fail, ending in divorce. This is terrifying, not only in terms of human suffering involved in such statistics but also in the tens of thousands of one parent homes where hundreds of thousands of children are developing their concepts, their strengths, and weaknesses. Many single parents, both male and female, provide stable and happy environments for their children yet would still agree that two parents are better than one. Men are so different to women and vice versa that we just cannot be both.
What then is the process causing this huge number of marriages to fail? Sleepless nights, ill children, financial pressures, increasing responsibilities, the fading of super-ambitious dreams which now appear to be impossible to reach all take their toll. In one flashing thought there goes, “Where is love?”, “Where is all the fun?”, “I’m losing myself and I’ve got to get out.”
THE TIDE ALWAYS COMES IN AGAIN
It appears in fact that “the tide has gone out on love.” Seeds of doubt persist, “Perhaps we made a mistake. . . we’re not going to make it. . . is it worth all this worry anyway. . . If I thought he/she still loved me I could go on, but all this is so hard, I can’t stand it. Perhaps it’s better for everyone if we break up and start again on our own.
I have a word of encouragement for those who know the tide is going out or is already out. This is all part of the natural process of life. THE TIDE GOES OUT BUT IT ALWAYS COMES IN AGAIN!
When the tide goes out in marriage it is rather like the winter season. There doesn’t appear to be much life and growth, but there is. Life is throbbing silently, only waiting for the season of budding and bursting forth.
BETTER THAN HONEYMOON LOVE
Sometimes, while standing on the beach watching the tide ebb away, and continuing to wait, I see the turning of water. There is an inching away from the waters, pulled by some invisible force, a few seconds’ pause, then almost imperceptibly, yes, the waters begin to creep their way up the beach. I look away for just a few minutes and when I turn, I can see the difference.
What a picture of married love . . . an ebbing and flowing, a waxing and waning and waxing again. It is a growth pattern that can take us into increasing love, growing deeper and richer and so much better love than honeymoon love.
What is discouraging when the tide is out is that we see all the rubbish that has been covered by the pretty water. The rusty old cans of anger, past hurts, resentments, self-righteousness, selfishness, and unforgiveness look vile. But they don’t have to stay. You can get rid of them. Clean up the beach while you can, then watch your love flow again.
You may find, or have already found, that the tide of married love does not always turn in minutes. The tide has gone out for miles, sometimes it seems totally out of sight. What to do then? If there is violence, incest, alcoholism, drug abuse, homosexuality, or indefinity in the marriage you may need help from outside of yourselves. Seek that help as almost always there is someone near who cares.
Most marriages, however, do not fail due to the above reasons. It is the continuous pressure. It is because when the tide is out on love we wonder if it’s worth the effort to keep trying.
It is worth the effort. It is worth the effort because of the marriage vows you mean to keep. It is worth staying in for our own self-respect, worth staying for your children, worth staying because with love, prayer, and patience the tide of love will flow again.
Some words are not very fashionable today--duty, responsibility, integrity, character, bearing our burdens, but they are all valid in the everyday context of marriage and parenting. I have taught my own children for many years concerning responsibility that where love and enjoyment for the task has failed, let duty carry you though. Love and enjoyment will take over again later.
Another secret, and this is my ultra-power packed secret: pray and ask God for His help to make your marriage work. “God is our refuge and strength; a very present help in trouble."
Yes, the tide of love will come in again. It is inevitable.
ISABEL PATERSON
Western Australia
Printed from Above Rubies, February 1987 (38 years ago!).
